


Ineffable Hurt

by IneffableCreature



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Anger, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, First Kiss, Fluff, Heaven, Hell, Mild Smut, Neither can do emotions, Regret, Tension, WARNING-Cutting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-24
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-07-19 03:54:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19967620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IneffableCreature/pseuds/IneffableCreature
Summary: After the events of Armageddon Crowley and Aziraphale find themselves drawn closer to each other. They explore new things and as everything falls down will their friendship last or will it crumble with the tension?





	1. Drinks and Sleepovers

**Author's Note:**

> Love these to so much!  
> Little to no tension, gotta love drinking  
> No Angst... yet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The two beings drink and get pretty close...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love writing about these two so much!! Enjoy

⦽ **Chapter 1** ⦽

The two winged beings sat together on the couch, one on one end and one on the other. Or at least that was what it had started out as. With each glass of Pinot Noir and Scotch their words had begun to slur and eyesight blur. With each new bottle of alcohol the two creatures ended up closer to each other even though neither of them noticed.

They did deserve it, the alcohol at least, they always thought up a reason as to why they were doing it. Whether it was to justify a guilty heart or just to joke with each other what the best scenario was. But tonight they deserved all the best to be offered. The past 24 hours had pushed them through the dirt and through the clouds. Heaven and Hell were not happy (not that they ever were), Armeggedon or don’t had been stopped with the help of an 11 year old boy who had started it and they had evaded death whilst also scaring their superiors. 

They were now sitting so close that their arms were almost touching, not that either of them noticed at the moment. One of the two was focused instead on the empty bottle of Scotch that was in his hand, the third one that night that he had consumed. The one beside him had just finished his second bottle of the delicious Pinot Noir.

“I’ll go and get ssssome more for both of usss, yessss?” The man stood up and stumbled, catching himself on coffee table. He was tall and serpent like. With all of the alcohol he had ‘lost his tounge” and hissed his s’s.

“Oh no Crowley, we had better put it to rest. I indeed need to get back to my crepes… I mean bookshop.” Now he too stood up, he was small and plump standing almost a head shorter than the other and looking quite the opposite of him. The man looked much like an Angel, all bright whites whilst the being Crowley wore black, with sunglasses on his face to cover his eyes.

They bother stood there for a moment just looking at each other before Crowley spoke, his voice soft in a whisper as if not to spook the other man or maybe it was so that no one, above or below, could hear.

“Stay… please?”

Silence followed his pitiful question. He now had the feeling about taking it back, about just sobering up and locking himself in his room for the next century. He sounded utterly like a child. His mouth kept working though trying to make up for his previous comment.

“I mean you don’t have too, I know that you stayed here the other day so you… you don’t have to do it now i guess. It’s… it’s perfectly okay with me you know? That’s not wha… what I meant… what I mea…” Crowley looked up from the ground he was staring at to see the heavenly being in front of him smiling softly. 

“I forgot how contradictory to yourself you really are when you are drunk though I have to say that it is happening more tonight than others.” He chuckled softly to himself and took a small step forward.

They both paused in a sort of limbo, neither knowing what to do. Crowley didn’t really want him to step back again and the other didn’t want to either, for other reasons maybe but he did not know.

The angelic one looked down but there was almost no ground to look at and so he decided to look at Crowley’s chest which was a mistake. Mixing alcohol with Crowley and close distances wasn’t working out for the man. He could feel his chest tighten and heart start to race. He continued to look at Crowley’s chest, admiring the way his collar bones stuck out slightly adding to the already sharpness of him. The shirt he was wearing, similar to all of the other ones, plunged down to mid torso giving him plenty to look at. He hadn’t ever been this close to Crowley, at least on purpose and he didn’t even know if this was on purpose.

“Aziraphale?” His eyes popped up to meet Crowley, “Oh good, the angel still lives.” He voice was a little husky but still soft. He was swaying a little bit but Aziraphale didn’t really know if it was the demon in front of him or himself.

“Will that be a yes or a no?” Aziraphale swore, or didn’t swear, that he heard a slight plea in the words. He was confused, Crowley never showed emotion like his even when he was more drunk. Aziraphale did admit that things seemed to be a little different since they got back from Heaven and Hell. He didn’t know if he liked it or not.

Thoughts pushed to the surface as the Angel responded to his friend’s question. “I would very much like to stay here again. Your sheets are very nice, I may have to take them from you.”

Aziraphale closed his mouth tight before he spouted off some other stupid thing and admit things he wasn’t planning on admitting.

A faint smile snuck onto Crowley’s face before vanishing as he turned to go and clean up.

* * *

The demon Crowley felt heat on his face as he tried to calmly take the tray that was filled with empty bottles and glasses into the kitchen. He tried also to calm his heart that was roaring inside of his chest.

People often said that demons do not have hearts, there is no way that they can have hearts. There is no reason behind it and is therefor false. Angels also had them in case you were wondering, otherwise how would Aziraphale love so much?

Crowley quickly miracled all of the dishes and bottles away and headed back out of the kitchen with a bundle of sheets to put on the couch. By the time he had reached the living room again his heart had returned to a normal stammer, that was until he say Aziraphale. The angels jacket had been taken off and neatly placed on the back of a chair, he bow-tie lay on top of that. He was now almost done unbuttoning his shirt where another one lay, beneath.

His cheeks felt hot, go… gosh he himself felt like he had just been thrown into Hellfire. Crowley tried to act normal and continued to walk towards him. But of course the acting normal didn’t really work out as he tripped over the edge of the carpet and came falling down until he was on the ground, his face in the now not-so-neatly folded sheets. 

“Oh dear, are you alright Crowley?” This wasn’t going well at all for the demon. His face was even more red and now he felt like locking himself in his room for two centuries. 

“Quite.” He got up with a grunt and placed the sheets on the coffee table before straightening himself. He tried to look everywhere but at the angel that stood before him half dressed. It worked out pretty well for him but he was starting to get a headache from moving his head around. Damn him for not sobering up before.

More silence fell between them and Crowley cut it off. “Are you sure that you’re okay with sleeping on the couch angel? I am more than happy to sleep here and you can sleep in my bed or I could miracle YOUR bed as well.”

Aziraphale nodded his head with approval. “I will be very much okay Crowley I promise you that. In fact I was quite comfortable last time I slept here. Besides neither of us should be doing any miracling right now since we are drunk.”

Crowley nodded defeated. He knew he was going to lose the so called ‘fight’ but that didn’t stop him from wanting to give his angel anything he wanted. At that thought the demon felt something in his chest bloom, wild and alive. He didn’t like it at all and attempted to push it down. It only partially worked.

“Well then I bid you adi…” Crowley choked slightly at the words and coughed. His throat burned from the phrase as he had forgotten what it meant. The Angel in front of him chuckled lightly.

“Did you forget that adieu means commend you to God dear?” A small nod from Crowley answered the question trying to recompose himself. Everything was just going horrible for him at the moment. “Well I will say goodnight to you Crowley. I’ll see you in the morning.” Aziraphale’s face broke into a smile and Crowley wanted the smile to always stay there. To never move or be seen by anyone else. The burning feeling came back, a little worse.

“Goodnight angel.” The demon could not think of anything else to say to the Angel and so he said what he could think of before turning and walking into his room trying his hardest not to slam the door.

Crowley dearly wanted to go back out and down another bottle of Scotch before falling asleep for the two centuries he now had planned but he didn’t. Not when _his_ angel was right outside and probably even more naked, not that it bothered him, the nakedness that is. It was the fact that Aziraphale was the one without the clothing on.

_What was going on with him..._

The demon didn’t sleep. Unlike Aziraphale who took the “delicacy” of wasting time on nothing. Crowley as also still worried, worried that it wasn’t over. Even though Armageddon was stopped that didn’t mean that Hell and Heaven were going to wait until the true ineffable plan to happen, whatever that was.

Being courteous of the fact the Angel was sleeping Crowley stayed in his bedroom or at least plenty away from the living room. He went and retrieved some water from the kitchen to help with his growing migraine. For him it was as simple as snapping his fingers and the headache would go away but it helped ground him and it stopped him from thinking too much.

He sat on his bed for a few minutes before getting up, he was bad at sitting still, he always had to do something, anything. Normally he would head out and walk around London to pass time. Possible hit up a bar or two and then head home and watch the telly. He would do that exact thing at the moment but he didn’t want to leave Aziraphale, he was still scared. Crowley wouldn’t admit it but he truly did care about what happened to his angel and he didn’t want to come back to an empty house with no Aziraphale or reason why he left.

Crowley walked over to his mirror and admired himself. That is what he did, he admired himself fully. The way he was all angles and points. He hated it about himself sometimes, that he was pointy, that he was all angles and no lines. But it fit his characteristics, or at least what he was exposed to act like. 

Then there was the angel that was sleeping outside of the room. He was round, soft with curves. Aziraphale was the exact opposite of him, in every way. Good and Evil, short and tall, soft and sharp, caring and uncaring. Crowley knew that the list went on, there was no way in Heaven or Hell that the two of them would be together, would remain or even become friends but it had happened. The day that it all began he guessed the day Aziraphale had said he had given up the sword to Adam and Eve. 

Crowley had once been caring, compassionate. When he had created the lights of night, when his wings were not black but white. Did Aziraphale remember him? Surely not with how he had acted at the garden. Just like Crowley Aziraphales memory had been whipped of what had happened so no Angel could lead a mass rebellion again.

The now demon shook his head clearing him mind and looked again at himself. He took off his scarf and jewelry before slowly stripping away the layers until he was bare save for his boxers. Some days he would look at himself and see the great work that he had done and smile because of what had happened during the day. Others he would look and see his flaws, how bad he was bad for Heaven and bad for Hell.

Tonight he was seeing his flaws. The scars the marred his figure, some were small, now just pink and leather skin whilst others were long a jagged. A handful of them were from stupid things that Crowley had done over the past decades that he never bothered to fully heal and others…

The memories burned his eyes and his mind, the claustrophobic room, the being holding the whip, blood running. Many of those were on his back and arms, he had been forced not to heal them and to let them sting, burn, one had gotten infected. That had been centuries ago but that didn’t stop the PTSD. The sounds and images.

A drink. Crowley needed a drink but he wasn’t thirsty. His mouth was dry but he wasn’t thirsty, not physically at least.

He walked towards his closet as he hummed a tune by Freddie Mercury _Great Pretender_. He was Crowley, the one and only and he wouldn’t let the sorrow of the world get to him. 

Crowley put on his normal clothing switching out the white scarf that he had on for a deep blue. After getting his jacket on he put on a few rings and a silver chain necklace as the song he hummed ended. 

Looking for a change of heart the demon looked at his watch. His watched read 5:39 am. Crowley knew that Aziraphale wouldn’t be up for at least 3 hours and decided to make breakfast, or get some at least. He walked out of the room and towards the front door, tip-toeing quietly passed a snoring Aziraphale. Crowley tried his hardest not to look over the couch and made it to the door before shutting it and manually locking it.

Out on the street other people were milling around. Some of them stone drunk but a few weren’t, a finely tailored gentleman was on his way to work probably for an important meeting. Crowley decided to let them be if only because he still wasn’t in the mood.

He knew where he needed to go. The reason that his angel had been captured was because he went out to get some crepes, one of his most favorite dishes for breakfast. He laughed quietly to himself before hopping into his car. As he turned it on the music starting playing the course of _Mr. Bad Guy_ , another Freddie Mercury song. 

“I'm Mr Bad Guy

They're all afraid of me

I can ruin peoples lives yeah yeah”

A smirk found Crowley’s face and he felt in a much better mood as he sped off into London. The businessman who was walking by got drenched in water as Crowley laid on the gas, spinning his wheels in the puddle of water under the car. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading the first chapter of this fic! I hope that you enjoyed it, this is my first time one here so feedback is appreciated


	2. Brunch and Champagne

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley is feeling nice and decides to take his little angel on a... date?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love writing Crowley as being soft sometimes.   
> My two soft boys!!!!

⦽ **Chapter 2** ⦽

Aziraphale awoke with a stretch, sorta like a cat and almost fell off of the couch. He caught himself the last second and laid facing up for a while to calm him heart. He stared at the grey tiled ceiling and thought of a certain demon who was sleeping in the other room. Should he wake him up or just let him sleep? Maybe he could make a scrumptious breakfast!

He settled on the thought and stood up, a chill running through his body. It certainly was a tad chilly and so he grabbed the blanket he slept with and wrapped it around himself already warming up from the leftover body warmth. The angel pattered over to the kitchen, his footsteps resounding through the empty house.

Pausing, Aziraphale look around to admire the house more. It truly was empty, empty compared to his small, cozy bookshop. He understood why it was so bare. He closed his eyes and remembered Hell, Hell when he, as Crowley, was being put on trial. It was dark in Hell, dark and cramped with smells and sounds. 

The angel opened his eyes and the sounds faded away, the screams of torture and just denial. He didn’t want to go back there anytime soon if he could choose. But he understood why Crowley was so minimalistic.

Aziraphale heard a song coming from another room, a small beeping. He knew where it was coming from, the old phone receiver and so he re-routed and walked towards Crowley’s office area.

The demon’s office was pretty boring save for the massive throne chair, it was covered in gold which Aziraphale had a feeling was real gold and the cushions were wrapped in a beautiful red velvet. The desk was covered in papers from a Solar System book, inevitably having been torn out. They now lay scattered to and fro, he looked down at the top one, JUPITER. 

Aziraphale knew where Jupiter was, the biggest planet and behind Saturn. He looked at the one under it and stopped.

It read, ALPHA CENTAURI, the angel remembered Crowley saying he was going to take some time and go to that solar system but he never did. He remembered finding the demon in a bar drinking as per usual but he was crying saying that he had lost his best friend. Aziraphale never did find out who that person was. Crowley didn’t really talk to a lot of people outside of him.

Something pulled in his chest and he put the paper down, laying Jupiter on top to make sure it had looked like no one had touched it. He returned to the task at hand and turned towards the receiver monitor.

_ 1 New Message _

It would flash a few times and the beep before repeating it, over and over. Aziraphale wondered if he should answer it since Crowley was still asleep. It didn’t delete the message right after you listened to it, you had to manually do that. Making up his mind the Angel reached towards the listen button and pressed it.

_ You have 1 new message _

It paused for a few moments before continuing

_ Message 1 _

_ Good Morning angel, I hope that you slept well and that you have an appetite. Due to our amazing job of not ruining the world I have decided that we should have a brunch…. Date. _

The receiver went silent and Aziraphale remained standing where he was, dead silent. A moment went by and Crowley’s voice came again out of the receiver.

_ Anyways, put on something nice, or just what you normally wear, for you there is no difference and come on down to the Crepe and More restaurant. Ask for the reservation under the name Anthony J. Crowley. See you soon angel. _

With that the receiver cut out to white noise and then went silent. Aziraphale still stood where he had started and smiled. Of course Crowley would go and do something like this, they both knew that Aziraphale couldn’t resist a lunch date, especially if it was with crepes and Crowley. He laughed about that, crepes and Crowley, sounded like a tv show that Aziraphale would watch if he had a tv.

The only slight problem was that he didn’t have any new and clean clothing to wear. He didn’t want to waste anymore time for the brunch since it was already 11:24 am. Aziraphale would simply have to miracle himself his clothing. He never really liked to do that, he enjoyed the simple things in life like picking out wish clothing by hand and putting it on but he really was in a rush and so with a snap of his fingers he was fully clothed in a new outfit. 

He walked over towards a mirror and fixed his hair. Aziraphale didn’t know why he was taking extra time doing his hair today but he did it anyway. As he walked out of the house he realised that he needed to re-lock the door. The angel turned around and thought that he saw a flash of wings. He blinked but there was nothing there, probably just glare from the window.

After successfully getting the door to lock Aziraphale continued his journey to the street where a cab already sat waiting. He hopped in and it drove off, already knowing exactly where the passenger needed to be taken.

Unlike Crowley Aziraphale took his time arriving at the restaurant, he didn’t speed through the streets, he liked to sit and admire the life that was passing by. Time was too short for them, short in the sense that it seemed like everything went by really fast and before you know it it’s another decade, another century. The lives of the humans around them were even shorter going by in a blink but for the humans it was quite literally just a lifetime, nothing more.

As the drive continued Aziraphale went back to the past couple days. A lot of things had changed but he didn’t know if they were good or bad. Crowley and him he thought had grown closer together and maybe even bonded. But Crowley had seemed off after the stopping of Armageddon and even during it. He was antsy and not his free-willing self.

It concerned Aziraphale, he didn’t want something wrong to be happening to a friend even if they were on opposing sides.

“There is no more OUR side Crowley, there is Heaven and there is Hell and they are at war.”

“There is still an OUR side, there always has been angel.”

Aziraphale vividly remembered the talk that Crowley and then had had before Armageddon fully began and it pained him, pained him because he remembered just how hurt Crowley had been. But in the end they were their own side, he was right, there always is their side.

Ever since then Crowley had been on edge, double and triple checking his back and doors and it scared Aziraphale a little. He wanted his friend back, the one that didn’t care and like to ruin peoples fun. 

I’ll tell him during brunch then. Aziraphale had always been a good communicator, saying what was on his mind when he could so it wouldn’t be too hard to tell Crowley and yet, it always had been hard to say how he felt with the demon. He wasn’t scared of him but he just couldn’t.

The Angel sighed as the cabby pulled up to the restaurant. The outside was stunning, tucked away on a little street it look cozy but also sophisticated. Aziraphale knew that he had never been here but he trusted Crowley to bring him good food.

A clump of cash showed up in Aziraphale’s pocket and he paid the man before stepping out into the morning sun. It hit his face and warmed him up inside and out. The Angel enjoyed being outside especially when the weather allowed it. 

Stepping inside Aziraphale heard the soft melody of  _ Clair De Lune  _ by Claude Debussy, one of his favorites. He smiled because he had a hunch that Crowley was the one to request it. 

“How may I help you this morning sir?” A young gentleman dressed in the outfit of a waiter was standing behind a podium.

“Oh yes dear I have a reservation with an Anthony J. Crowley.” He smiled at the gentleman as he looked down quickly at his book before looking back up.

“Right this way sir.”

As Aziraphale was led through the restaurant he admired the decorations of the place, it was small and homey and yet felt very high class. Paintings covered most of the wall, a few pieces of sheet piano music mingled in with them. The lighting was lower but it was enough to keep you awake but calm your senses.

The Angel loved that feeling, it was the sense that you were being covered in a blanket but you were still awake a sort of haze covering you mind. 

As Aziraphale reached the table he say Crowley lounging in a chair like he normally does. He had learned long ago to let Crowley sit as Crowley wants and he was okay with it.

“Good morning Crowley.” His voice came out a little husky and he cleared his throat afterwards while sitting down. Crowley answered with a smile before turning towards the waiter boy who was still standing.

“Yes, could you get a bottle of your best champagne, biscuits and a double order of crepes.” Crowley ran a hand through his hair after ordering, he cracked his neck as well trying to relax it seemed.

“Dear, did you not sleep well last night?” Aziraphale placed a hand near Crowley’s not thinking about but and they both looked down. Their hands were a mere inch away from each other. It was normal for that to happen when they were seated and talking but it felt different and Aziraphale didn’t like it. He looked back up to see Crowley still staring at their hands. “Crowley?”

“Hmm?” He looked up with a blank expression. His sunglasses were on and Aziraphale knew that they weren’t going to come off during the brunch. 

“Did you sleep alright last night?”

“Oh yes, very much so thank you. And you were okay on the couch?” The demon in front of Aziraphale took his hand off of the table and leaned back more into his seat looking out into the rest of the restaurant, it wasn’t all that busy at the moment.

“I slept very well on the couch thank you.” He smiled gently and Crowley looked again at him.

A silence fell between the two which wasn’t unusual, they sat there in silence for a while before their food showed up.

They ate for a while, Aziraphale making comments on how delicious the biscuits and crepes were while Crowley sipped on a glass of champagne. Aziraphale offered the demon of food and he ate a little but he knew that Crowley didn’t indulge as he had called it in foods all that much.

Being an Angel and a demon they had no need to sleep as well as eat, they occasionally thirst but that is it. Aziraphale didn’t mind they food on earth, in fact he quite liked it and often would eat a crepe or other baked goods. Crowley would eat here and there but only because Aziraphale would make him try something. What Crowley enjoyed was the alcohol.

Once they were both finished they sat at their table and chatted. 

“Thank you Crowley dear for the brunch it was very good. I may have to come to this place more often.”

“I thought that you might like it.” A small smile formed on Crowley’s face as he watched the angel. Aziraphale blushed and got a sorta butterflies in his stomach.

He didn’t remember to talk to Crowley about what he was thinking but Aziraphale didn’t think that it mattered to terribly, it wasn’t a matter of life or death at least.

At the remark of Aziraphale they look a walk around the town admiring the shops and talking about the passersby. It was a normal thing for them to do, Aziraphale would often be ahead even with his short legs and Crowley would walk behind. He always did that, stayed behind him and almost never was in front of him. He didn’t think much of it though since it had been happening for so long.

It was almost 6 when stopped at Aziraphale’s bookshop. The Angel walked up the 3 steps and opened the magically unlocked door. He stopped and turned towards Crowley as he spoke.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come in until you are all settled?” It was a genuine question but Aziraphale knew that everything was okay, they weren’t in any danger and maybe that was why Crowley was acting up so much. Aziraphale walked back down until he was right in front of Crowley, he took a deep breath to calm himself.

“Everything is okay Crowley dear, no one is going to be coming for us now okay? If they do we can fight them off because we are on our own side.” An almost sad smile crossed Crowley’s face and Aziraphale had the sudden urge to hug the demon and hold him.

“Okay, I’ll stop annoying you then so you can get back to your books.” The sad smile had been replaced with a smirk as he turned away, hands still in his pockets and walked towards a waiting cabby.

* * *

Crowley felt better now for some reason. After spending the entire day with his angel he felt lighter, like he wasn’t being weighed down and a task. Maybe it was what Azira had said before he left. Maybe it was true.

As we stepped into the back of a cab he thought about it. They were safe, safe from everyone right now and there was nothing to worry about. Crowley had been worried, worried since they had gotten back into their own bodies that something bad was going to happen.

The trip was fast and soon enough he was back at home. He walked into the living room and saw that the sheets that Azriaphale had slept on were still out. He picked them up and couldn’t help but smell them, they smelled just like HIM. All of a sudden he felt tired. He wanted to rest, to sit down and relax.

The demon walked into his room and stripped down to his boxers before slipping into his bed and falling asleep soundly for the first time in a while.


	3. Dreams and Fears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley has been on edge and after thinking everything will be okay he gets an unexpected visit...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry for this chapter and everything in it  
> (Not really)  
> Enjoy the angst

⦽ **Chapter 3** ⦽

There was only darkness, it covered everything not matter where you looked it even covered himself. He looked around and found nothing, he reached out and touched nothing but he could smell and he knew what that smell was. It was like iron and copper mixed together and permeated everything. 

Blood

He didn’t know from where is came, he felt no pain on himself but then who else was here and why were the injured? He blinked hoping for his serpent eyes to adjust and see through the darkness. When he took a step forward it was like walking through tar, it slowed him down making it seem like he was moving in slow motion. Where was this place?

As if in answer his vision cleared and he looked around but still found nothing, instead now red covered everything. His mind felt fuzzy and he couldn’t think about where he was.

“Where am I?” He called out and his voice was instantly swallowed up, there was no echo, he couldn’t even hear the words exit from his mouth.

“Have you so easily forgotten fallen one?” It shattered his mind, it cleared and he knew who it was. He knew and he instantly feared what was to happen.

The serpent eyed demon closed his eyes and controlled himself and felt a roaring laughing at the back of his head, in the deep and dark corner he had pushed it over the centuries.

“Don’t tell me you’re trying to get me out of your head. You know that I can never be pushed out, I am always, always in your mind even if you push me into a dusty corner.” They both knew that it was futile to try and fight Satan but nonetheless the demon tried, tried to push him back down, tried to get out of his own mind before he was destroyed and of course it didn’t work.

“Crawly you are mine, you are a fallen angel, one of the best if I might say. There is a reason that I left you on earth, so that you could fulfill what is to happen, that Hell will come and reign over eternity on earth and Heaven shall fall. You knew that Armageddon was never to happen and you very easily convinced that Angel friend of yours as well.”

Crowley gritted his teeth at the name he had been given nearly 6000 years early, he had tried to change it, he had changed it in hopes to maybe even change himself. “His name is Aziraphale.” The words came out pushed, a venom laced within them that he knew his master could hear. This time his words reverberated, bouncing back into his ears.

“Yes, Aziraphale. He is quite stupid isn’t he? Very gullible.” Another chuckled rattled the demon’s brain and he wanted to claw it out, even if it killed him.

Crowley felt his teeth grind even harder, he squeezed his eyes shut and dug his nails into his skin drawing blood along with them. But he held is tounge because truth be told he feared the Most Lowly. He despised and loathed but he feared him, of what he could do.

“You are very right, you should fear me, loath me despise me. I can make your life an even more Hell, you haven’t been in Hell for a while have you Crawley? Do you miss it or have you become to native to care?”

Satan was right, Crowley hadn’t been to Hell in his normal body for a couple days and he had enjoyed all of those decades. Hell smelled of dead and decaying, it was unkempt and to crowded for him.

“You can change that my servant. When we overthrow Heaven we will have more room, more supplies and it won’t matter because he will have everything to ourselves, Hell, earth and Heaven, in my hand.”

It sounded amazing, having room but the things that the demons would do to the people, to his angel…

“DON’T YOU TRY AND GO AGAINST ME!!! YOU HAVE SO EASILY FORGOTTEN YOUR MASTER! RETURN TO ME, THAT ANGEL HAS RUINED YOU!!”

Everything stilled and Crowley felt something heavy in his hand, he didn’t dare open his eyes. He wanted to stay incontrol, to not let Satan use his thoughts as images.

“You have forgotten whose you are. Redeem yourself lost servant and come back.”

Crowley’s snapped open and he looked down to see someone lying beneath him, a sword was held between both of his hands and held above his head. He couldn’t control himself as the sword slowly came down. It paused only for a second but the demon couldn’t go up against the power of his master.

“Remember that you can never escape.”

Crowley knew who it was the second before the sword came down. It struck dead center and slipped easily into the body, directly into the heart. Blood flowed from the wound and Crowley meet the angel’s eyes.

“Aziraphale…” His voice broke and he couldn’t move, he wanted to drop down onto his knees and cry, he wanted to pick him up and tell him it would be okay but it wasn’t. There was no need of it. He was dead, he had been dead the second the sword has pierced his heart.

He looked down at his friend. He was looking directly at him, directly into his soul and he hated it. Aziraphale had always been able to do that and he hated it, the angel knew what he was thinking even when he didn’t.

Crowley looked at the hilt of the sword not bearing the stare of his best friend. The hilt turned into a snake, a snake with tiger eye set where his eyes were. He screamed, he screamed and tears would not come. 

“Damn you!”

The scream filled the entire room and maybe the world as Crowley jumped up from his bed. Sweat glistened everywhere on his body and his hair was matted to his forehead. The sheets were wrapped around his legs and constricted him, he ripped them off and threw them to the side. Cool air rushed and turned his body into ice but it didn’t numb the flame inside, it didn’t take away the pain he felt deep down. He blinked to clear his head and regretted it. Every time he saw Aziraphale’s dead body and his hands on the hilt of the sword embedded into his chest.

Aziraphale

Crowley almost jumped for his phone as he dialed the angel’s phone. He would’ve prayed if he wasn’t a demon and he couldn’t pray to Satan so he sat. The seconds felt like minutes and with each ring his heart broke a little and fell.

“Crowley? Dear it’s late, why are you up so late?” Aziraphale’s voice was groggy and he knew that he had awoken him but he needed to know, needed to make sure that he was okay, that he was alive.

“Are you okay? You aren’t injured are you? I’m worried, I… I…”

“I’m and quite alright dear? Are you okay? What happened?” Crowley sat in silence wondering if he should tell him.

“Yeah I’m fine sorry, I just had a bad feeling. I’m okay.” He ended the call and threw the phone next to him on his bed. He held his hands in his head, he felt like his throat had closed shut, no air would come in. The breath that he could take in was short and ragged.

_ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ _

He looked down to see Aziraphale’s name pop up, a long with a picture Crowley had taken once when they were eating. His eyes were scrunched from smiling and his mouth was full of crepe.

Crowley let the call go out. He didn’t want to talk to him, not now. He was dangerous and Aziraphale was right in his path. He had pushed it down for so long, had assumed he had mastered controlling it but he was wrong. Someday he would attack because that was what he was told to do, what he was trained to do and he hated it. Aziraphale should be nowhere near him.

_ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ _

He wanted to answer the phone and scream and Aziraphale to stop. To stop caring and to stop being with him. But he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to hurt the angel, that was why he had never done it before when he should have. 

“I am no good to you angel, you just need to leave.” Crowley’s voice cracked as he said the words to no one. He needed a drink and a cold shower, try and forget what's happening.

Settling on that he got up and ran a hand through his wet hair making it stand up in different places. He didn’t dare turn and look at himself in the mirror as he walked by it. The demon went straight to the kitchen and drank 4 whole glasses of water but it really didn’t help. He knew that the fire in his chest wouldn’t go away for a while, it would sit there and burn his heart to char.

Crowley got out of his boxers and stood underneath the shower for a solid 20 minutes letting the ice water run down his body, goosebumps appeared all over his body but he didn’t care. He allowed the coldness to seep into his blood, allowed it to calm his racing heart and mind.

By the time that he stepped out of the bathroom he calmed down enough to sort through his thoughts. He didn’t want to change and so he stayed in his boxers and walk around his house, making sure that everything was still where it was originally, that was the reason he didn’t have many things, so that he would that everything was where it was exposed to be.

His head snapped towards the door as he heard a knock. His body tensed and he walked towards it. As he peered through the hole he saw a familiar angel standing on the other side with a worried look at his face. A growl slipped out of his mouth and he saw Aziraphale tense.

“You shouldn’t be here.” Crowley’s voice was strained, trying to hold everything back, at least he couldn’t see his face.

“You didn’t a...answer m… my calls and I g… got worried and decided to come over and check on you.” Of course he did, that was what he would always do because he cared to damn much about him. Crowley hated it, hated that Aziraphale had been like that from the moment they meet on top of the wall of Eden.

“I’m fine, you ssshould go back home.” He let loose his tongue and hissed, it relieved some tension but it only made things worse for Aziraphale. Crowley only ever let his tongue loose when he was drunk, super tense or dealing with something that was big. Two of those things were happening right now and he knew that the angel on the other side of the door knew also.

“Just leave Aziraphale, I don’t want to hurt you.” His voice cracked and he knew that it didn’t help his case. Crowley placed his forehead on the door and took a deep breath, allowing himself to relax. He wasn’t going to lie, just knowing that Aziraphale was near made him naturally relax, he would never tell that to the angel though.

After a few moments of silence Crowley looked through the hole but saw nothing, did he really leave? As if on que though he heard his voice again, a little lower now like he was sitting down.

“I’m going to help you through this, I won’t leave until you are okay and you can trust yourself.” Crowley wanted to scream. Even know Aziraphale knew what was going on without knowing and it killed him that he didn’t trust himself enough to open the door and let him in.

“We help each other out, that it what we do as friends. We are on the same side and I know that it won’t be easy but I will always try and help. I trust you Crowley, I know that you wouldn’t hurt me.” Aziraphale sounded so confident at that and it broke the demon, he couldn’t handle it, he needed him away, now.

“YOU DON’T KNOW THAT!!! I AM A DEMON AZIRAPHALE, D.E.M.O.N. THAT IS MY PURPOSE, TO HURT, TO MAKE EVERYONE’S DAY BAD. I CAN HURT YOU, YOU SHOULD NOT TRUST ME, I AM YOUR ENEMY!!” Crowley gasped for breath hearing the words go through the door and into Aziraphale’s ears but it wasn’t enough, he knew that and so he did what he never wanted to.

“GET OUT OF HERE, I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU ANGEL, I HAVE NEVER CARED, IT HAS ALL BEEN FOR MY GREATER GOOD AND YOU WERE JUST STUPID ENOUGH BECAUSE I GAVE YOU ATTENTION YOU DIDN’T GET IN HEAVEN!!!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bear with me it does get better... but the question is when


	4. Comforter of the Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale looks for a way to... forget and finds an unlikely person to talk to

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait!! I've been busy lately but will keep trying to update as much as possible. Chapters may also be shorter :(

⦽ **Chapter 4** ⦽

He didn’t know if he had heard wrong, or if this was just a nightmare. Please be one the angel thought as he slumped farther down the door. The words bounced violently in his head and he started to get a headache. Something deep down seemed to snap and pieces began to fall from him, things didn’t make sense anymore.

Pain this was pain, Aziraphale didn’t want to acknowledge it but sitting there he knew that it was pain. Crowley was on the other side of the door and a second ago Azriaphale wanted to comfort him and now? He didn’t know what he wanted at the moment, to run, to cry to still comfort the demon?

Aziraphale sat against the ice cold metal door for what seemed like hours and maybe it was when he finally made up his mind. He picked himself up and walked out of the house and towards the bookshop, his bookshop. He would open up today and he would go along his normal business.

While the angel walked he found himself turning towards the bar across the street called the Silver Fox Hideout. He looked down at himself and found that he was still wearing the pjs that he had worn to bed. Without much of a thought he miracled himself into a pair of jeans and a short-sleeved button up shirt, casual for him. He didn’t feel like getting dressed up to get a drink.

The door was open and a warm light flowed out inviting him in and he gladly followed. The smell of beer and other alcohol calmed something inside and he seated himself on one of the bar stools towards the end.

A waiter walked up towards him, he was an average man, around 6 foot with dark brown hair that was almost black with the low lighting. His eyes though were a striking green and Aziraphale noticed that he definitely went to the gym, the black t-shirt that he was wearing was very tight around his bulking arms.

The angel looked up into his face answering the man's question.

“Surprise me, something mildly strong.” Azriaphale would usually order wine but it didn’t seem like enough at the moment, he needed something to drown this, this thing that was happening inside.

The man left and Aziraphale looked down at his hands, he couldn’t fully concentrate, as if he had already been drinking for a while. His thoughts were jumbled, he didn’t know what to think. How Crowley had yelled, screamed at him. Was that the truth? That he had been using him, that he was gullible, only wanting attention and Crowley had seen right through that?

The bartender return with an amber colored drink, without thinking Azriphale took it down in a gulp, the liquid feeling like silk running down his throat. Oh he really enjoyed that.

He looked up to order another one to see the bartender already placing another in front of him, he took a sip of a clear liquid and Aziraphale had a feeling that it wasn’t water. There was silence between the two of them as the Angel tried his hardest not to gulp down the second glass of whatever amber liquid the man had given him. He tried to tell himself to ask the man later.

“So bad breakup?” The words broke the silence and Aziraphale’s head snapped up from swirling the drink in his hand. 

It wasn’t a break up but how would you tell a human about a 6,000 year friendship breaking in one night. Instead he simply nodded and took a sip of his drink. It was numbing him and he gladly let it, anything then thinking.

“I recently went through a bad one as well, she decided that she no longer wanted to see me, thought that I was bad for her or something, I choose not to think about it.” Aziraphale watched as the man chuckled and took the rest of his drink in one gulp. The glass was hit on the table and the ring of glass on granite echoed through the bar. 

Aziraphale looked around for the first time and noticed that no one else was in the bar, he looked down at his watch. 3:30 am on a Wednesday, it made a little more sense why no one was there.

“Oh we closed 30 minutes ago, I just thought you might need some more time.” Aziraphale hadn’t meant to stay past closing time and began to get up.

“I am so dearly sorry, I didn’t notice that it was past closing…” He had already been here for 30 minutes? Maybe he should stop drinking, or keep going.

‘No, you can stay. Really I am in no rush, remember no girlfriend no problem right?” The man laughed this time and stopped when he noticed that the Angel wasn’t doing the same thing. “Sorry about that man? You want some more?” He nodded towards his glass and Aziraphale nodded, why not? Like the bartender said he had nothing better to do, nothing to go to.

The man came back with two of the same drinks giving one to him and he took the other and took a sip out of it. He leaned against the table top and looked around the store giving Aziraphale space but also giving him his ear. He was a person who was easy to talk to but them again the Angel was drunk which made most people easy to talk to.

“I don’t think that I got your name yet sir, I’m Aziraphale.” He stuck his hand out awkwardly but the man still took it with a smirk shaking it firmly.

“Jaabir Phillips, but you are welcome to call me Jay.”

Aziraphale chuckled a little and saw that Jaabir was looking at him with some confusion.

“Forgive me for laughing it’s just that your name means comforter which I just find ironic for what you are doing, for me that is.” There was a pause of silence before Jaabir chuckled as well. They both took a drink and thought for a while. 

The silence wasn’t awkward but Aziraphale didn’t like it, it allowed him to think, allowed his thoughts to go back to him and he didn’t want that, it all felt so weird, he had only felt like this once and that then lead to him learning how to dance at a secret men's club.

“So how long was this relationship? That is if you don’t mind me asking.” Jay looked at him and smiled a little. Azriaphale knew that he wasn’t trying to pry, just trying to make conversation, he didn’t mind it, it gave him something else to do.

“6,000 years” The Angel felt the words come out but couldn’t take it back, he cursed inward about it but Jay didn’t seem to notice that he wasn’t being serious.

“Ah I see, one of those. It does feel like it lasts for years and sometimes that a good thing other times not.” Jay leaned back against the granite and looked up towards the lights, as if he was in thought about his previous relationship. “Mine was only a couple months but it truly did feel like a lifetime, nonetheless still hurts like hell, that's for sure.”

Aziraphale flinched at the words, Crowley would always say that, luckily he didn’t notice it but instead continued talking, the alcohol finally getting to the bartender.

“So what? You two have a fight about something?” The question made the Angel think, was it a fight? What else could it possibly have been if not a fight?

“We just went through something big together, pretty much the end of the world and then he said that he didn’t want to be around me anymore, that we weren’t for each other.” The emotions began to fill him up again and now tears brimmed his eyes but he pushed the back down with a large gulp of his drink, the numbness covering himself again.

“I see, so you made it through but it was too much.” He spoke the comment to himself as if he was trying to envision what had happened. Aziraphale wanted to laugh at the man for trying to know, to feel what the relationship was like, he wouldn’t know, no one would know besides Him.

The two men talked on through the early morning and into the early light of the morning, Jay had ended up sitting down next to Aziraphale and they went back and forth on stories from their past, Aziraphale stayed within the man’s time period so he didn’t get freaked out. They drank some more and were both thoroughly drunk by the time Azriaphale decided to head back to his bookshop.

“I better go so that I can open up shop.” The Angel stood up and straightened his shirt, the world spun slightly and he accidentally grabbed Jaabir’s shoulder. “Sorry, I didn’t mean that, it’s just that the world is turning.”   
The man laughed and stood up, making sure that Aziraphale stayed upright before walking around and putting their glasses away.

“If you can spare a minute I can walk you out to a cab.” 

“I actually live across the street, I own the bookshop.” The man turned towards Aziraphale with a smile.

“Even better, I can just walk you over.” The smile was contagious and Aziraphale smiled back with a nod of his head, he didn’t really want to be lonely at the moment it was a win for him.

The walked in silence towards the Angel’s bookshop stumbling every so often. When they reached the bookshop Aziraphale thanked him.

“I didn’t pay for my drinks, here take this it should hopefully pay for both of us. Do you need to pay for a cabbie to get home?” Jay paused for a second before taking the stack of cash that was handed to him and putting it in his pocket. 

“Actually I live above the Silver Fox so I’ll head back over there.” Aziraphale nodded and then it got awkward, neither of them knew what to do. He would invite him in but he wasn’t in the right state of mind, he just wanted to clean up and think about what had happened.

“I should head back over, thank you for sharing a drink or two with me, I hope to see you soon Aziraphale.” He bowed slightly before walking towards the intersection.

Aziraphale waited a few moments before unlocking his shop and heading immediately upstairs into a hot shower. It was the first time Jaabir had used his name since meeting him and it sounded odd, he didn’t normally tell people his name but like most other things he had said the hours before, it had slipped out but Aziraphale didn’t feel like taking it back.

He already felt the early effects of the hangover and cursed himself with no effect for not sobering up sooner. As the Angel stood in the shower he wanted to think about what had happened but he couldn’t. He still felt broken, he felt alone and he didn’t like it, it broke him more, it felt as if he was in heaven again but this time there was no demon to go to.


	5. Mistakes and Consequences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been 2 weeks... with no contact

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just bear with me it does get better  
> Love you all :))))

⦽ **Chapter 5** ⦽

**2 Weeks Later**

Crowley didn’t think that either of them would have lasted 2 weeks without talking or trying to see each other but it had happened. The demon hadn’t seen his angel in 2 weeks, even when he would casually walk past the bookshop he didn’t see him he should be worried but something had happened to Crowley, he had lost more than an angel  _ that _ night.

For the first week all that Crowley did was sit in his house and hate himself which wasn’t anything new. Over the past few decades he would often find himself sulking and going into a state of depression as the humans called it. When this happened Aziraphale would come in and clean him and the house up. Day after day passed but the angel never showed up to see him, to make sure that he was okay.

Towards the later half of that week Crowley had gotten up off his bed and walked out of the house wanting, needing to do something. He didn’t really think as we walked around London cursing people here or there. Even once he went up to a baby and took off his sunglasses letting the young boy see his serpent eyes. The scream that followed would have broken crystal glasses if there had been any around but he didn’t care.

Crowley had stopped, internally he had stopped, his brain, his eyes all of them just pausing not being able to take anything in. What was odd was that within his chest he felt no heartbeat, it had been centuries since his heart had just stopped, centuries since he had stopped caring and that had happened right before he had taken a nap, a very long nap.

Now he sat in a bath of luke-warm water not caring to reheat it, not wanting to give it a single thought. Crowley wouldn’t normally eat as much as a human had before, maybe a meal here or there when he went out with  _ him  _ but now he doesn't, he felt no hunger, not even want to drink which was very odd. Normally he would have walked out of his house and gone straight to a pub to drink himself drunk but he didn’t.

Maybe it was because he knew that it wouldn’t help, that the pain or whatever he was feeling wouldn’t be taken away by alcohol, that it wouldn’t even numb it. The demon already had a sort of haze that settled over him, causing him to be slow. He had thought for a day about traveling to Alpha Centuri but had discarded it when he realized that it required thinking and using magic. 

Something was very wrong with Crowley but he didn’t want to change it, he hadn’t thought about that night since it had happened. He didn’t want to remember the feeling of Aziraphale getting up off the door and walking home, the tears that the demon had felt on his knees and checks as he kneeled on the ground and rested his head on the door. How it seemed every step that the angel had taken had ripped out a different piece of his heart until it was all gone.

He hadn’t spoken to anyone in 2 weeks, maybe he had lost his voice completely. It was nothing more than a hiss, his tongue returning back to that of a serpent’s. Crowley had feared turning back into that creature. He never tried because he was afraid he would forget how to turn back into a human and he much preferred life in a human body.

Crowley now sat in his throne of a chair and looked over the rest of London, from where he was he could see the corner with Aziraphale’s bookshop was and it pained him, one of the only feelings he felt nowadays, pain.

Right now the demon had pain that was settling in his stomach, sometimes spreading towards his arms but only ever near his wrists, it had been happening for a couple days but today it was worse. He wanted to throw up but there was nothing to throw up.

The feeling was “other earthly” the pain didn’t feel like it was coming from him but he didn’t know who it was then.

Fear hit him when his mind finally clicked into place and he screamed. The haze cleared as he ran as fast as he could and changed into clean clothing that he had miracled clean only a moment before and ran out of the door into his bentley…

The drive took years but when Crowley finally came to a screeching stop in front of the book shop time couldn’t go any faster. All of the lights were off, like they had been the other times he had walked by. Why he hadn’t worried about it early left him as he walked up to the door to find it locked. It took a moment but then the door flew open with a crash, the only sound in the shop was the echo of the door as he shut it and locked it. 

Lights turned on at Crowley’s command and he looked around for anything that was wrong. Everything looked perfect as it always had been and Crowley wondered if he had just gotten to worked up. Then he heard it, like the cry of a hurt animal in the back of the shop.

The demon cautiously walked towards the back, the lights turning on as he walked by them. He hadn’t heard the sound again and called out.

“Azzziraphale?” His tongue snaked out but he didn’t acknowledge it, he was to worried about the mass that sat or more like laid in front of him. He had hit the end of the shop in the far corner. The mass was still covered in darkness and Crowley miracled a light above his head and then saw him.

Aziraphale laid on the ground in a ball at Crowley’s feet, his white wings which were always perfect, each feather perfectly manicured and placed were out and wrapped around him. Now they were misshapen and dirt covered the bottom as if they had been dragged, or laid on.

He couldn’t see the angel and wanted to take a step forward but he couldn’t. Crowley was now on his knees and carefully prying the wings away from the angel with no prevail. They were strong. For not having had them out for training Aziraphale’s wings were in good strength condition. Crowley cursed and moved to get a better view of the creature in front of him.

“Azzziraphale it’ssss me, Crowley. Are you okay? Pleassse tell me.” He had lost all control of his voice, it was rough for not being used in two weeks and his serpent tongue hissed every s. Aziraphale moved a little, uncurling from his ball and it was all that Crowley needed as he lunged and pried the angel from the fetal position.

He held back his shock as he took the angel in, he looked like shit but there was more to it. His hair was matted down and stuck out at weird angles. His cheeks and eyes looked as if they were sunken into his face, dark bags hung below his eyes. Crowley looked down to see that he was holding his wrist limply and all of a sudden felt that sharp pain in his wrist. He knew what had happened and tried not to freak out as he slowly reached out to see, to make sure what was happening.

Aziraphale hissed slightly at the contact of the Crowley’s skin but he didn’t pause. Taking it to his advantage he grabbed his hand brought it out into the light. What he saw broke him again. Lines ran parallel to his hand along his wrist, 5 thin lines, most of them seemed to be scabbed over but one still had blood pooling on it.

Silence sat between the two of them, it was heavy and weighed them down. Crowley didn’t look Aziraphale in the face, he didn’t want to see the hate that was there from what had happened.

“Crowley?”

He couldn’t help it as his head shot up to look at the angel, there was no hate, but instead what it looked like was shame, shame for what he had done and how he looked. Of course he was like that. Crowley wanted to hug him, to heal him and say that it was okay and to say sorry for everything.

“Yess?” He clamped down on his tongue and looked at the angel

“I’m… I’m sorry that you have to… to see me like this. I...I.. it just came over me and I didn’t know what to do because nothing helped.”

“Shhhh it’s okay, it’s not your fault angel, it’s mine.” Guilt over took and Crowley stood up to leave. He shouldn’t be here, not after what he did to him.

“Don’t leave. Please” Aziraphale’s voice broke and in that moment Crowley vowed never to hurt or leave that angel ever again.


	6. Repentance and Feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the events of the previous chapter the two beings find themselves talking about what has happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is a long chapter for you guys.   
> I need some feed back tho...  
> should I continue on with this story or should I let it end as it is?

⦽ **Chapter 6** ⦽

Crowley didn’t know how much time had passed since he had found Aziraphale laying on the ground in the back of his shop. He didn’t know if it was day or night, if it was raining or the sun was out. He didn’t care, not about that right now. Right now he was digging himself into a pit, a hole of darkness. 

The way that he had found his angel, the things that he had done because of what he had said. That was unforgivable, Crowley found no happiness in seeing Aziraphale depressed, he felt anger and unending guilt. Nothing he did now would help that and he hated it.

Aziraphale sat on the couch now with his wrist wrapped in gauze. Crowley looked at him from where he was in the kitchen, his back was faced to him and he could see the angel’s ruin feathers, it was almost worse than finding out that he had been cutting himself. Aziraphale always had his wings in pristine condition, cleaned and straightened as well as being properly groomed. Now the feathers laid in different directions, some were laying on the floor and they looked as if they had been dragged through the mud.

Neither of them had said anything during the time that Crowley had tenderly wrapped the beings wrists, the only word spoken was sorry coming from Crowley every time Aziraphale had flinched or hissed slightly at the pain. 

The tea pot hissed from the stove and Crowley stood up from where he leaned on the wall and poured Aziraphale a cup, he put two sugars in it and stirred, he made sure that it was the exact way that he normally had it. 

The only light that was in the living room in Aziraphale’s loft was the fireplace that crackled and never dimmed. 

“Here, drink this it’ll help.” Aziraphale took it with a small smile and took a long drink, he relaxed slightly but it was all that Crowley needed, he sat in a chair opposite the couch and watched the angel drink. “Is there anything that you need right now?”

A nod, no.

“Do you want more tea? A blanket? A hotter fire?”

Another nod, no

Crowley sighed. Aziraphale hadn’t spoken once since he had asked Crowley to stay and it was killing him, was he mad, sad. His eyes were closed off and shadowed. A few moments passed and Aziraphale drank more of his tea.

The demon took off his glasses and set them on the side table, he squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath. He didn’t know what to say, this had never happened. Crowley had never seen Aziraphale like this, he himself had never been like this.

He watched as Aziraphale adjusted and flinched as his wings rubbed against the back of the couch.

“Let me fix your wings. Please?” Crowley threw on the please in a softer tone when he saw Aziraphale squeezed his eyes shut. “I know that it hurts you, just let me re adjust them. It also looks like some need to be taken out so new ones can grow it.” He knew that molting was always bad and it didn’t happen much. 

He watched quietly as Aziraphale thought about it, he didn’t know what he would do if the angel said no and so he just waited.

Aziraphale sat the tea cup down and nodded before quietly speaking, “I would be very grateful if you could do that, I normally have someone from heaven do it and I don’t think I should go up there right now with everything that has happened and the state I’m in.”

Crowley tried not to act to excited, it was the first time Aziraphale had spoken and he had agreed to it. He stood up and took the angel’s cup.

“I will go and refill your cup if you want to get the living room and yourself ready.” It was hard to not speak very loudly as Crowley got more and more excited. Maybe the angel would forgive him. But there was still one small problem, he didn’t know how to bring up the issue that had happened that had put Aziraphale in the spot he was in.

Crowley took his time in the kitchen z so that Aziraphale could get everything put together. When he walked out of the kitchen and into the living room, it looked like a little kid had set up a fort. The couch and chairs had been moved and now on the floor there was a comforter and many pillows everywhere. Aziraphale sat in the middle of the comforter shirtless with his wings out, back facing Crowley.

The demon took a second to breath, remember the predicament he was in. The angel in front of him was stunning, he had never seen Aziraphale shirtless and even now just seeing his back, it drove Crowley mad. He took slow, even steps and calmed his racing heart.

Miracling a small table beside Aziraphale he placed the teacup and saucer on it before settling behind Aziraphale letting him also adjust so that he was comfortable.

“This will probably take awhile and may hurt, please tell me if it is too much and I will stop.” All he received was a curt nod. 

Crowley didn’t waste time as he gently unraveled Aziraphale’s left wing, it looked even worse up close and he cursed softly under his breath. Aziraphale tensed at the sound.

“It’s okay, just looks worse up close.” He relaxed slightly, “say, could you be a dear and miracle a light above me so that I can see better?” Crowley would need all of his concentration to help get the angel’s wings back to pristine condition and having to control a light was just another thing on a list of other items he needed to worry about at the moment. 

Without much hesitation a bright light came into existence above Crowley and he could instantly see a lot better. 

“Thank you darling.” He let it slip before it had even registered in his brain. They both paused. It wasn’t anything different than what they would normally say to each other but now nothing was normal. When Crowley didn’t receive a reply he went back to work starting at the tip of the wing and correcting the feathers that were on the top and working all the way to the base of the wing.

It became a rhythm as he went from line to line until. Crowley fell back into himself and just blanked as he worked. He dug his fingers into a bunch of feathers that weren’t corraperating. A small gasp and then moan came from Aziraphale’s mouth and he paused. Heat filled his face at what had happened and he wondered if he could keep going as not to embarrass the angel.

“Sorry, I didn’t think you were going to do that and it sorta… tickled.” Aziraphale’s voice was shaky and Crowley wanted to say sorry but he couldn’t. The noise that the being in front of him had made had started something in his chest that was new. “Crowley?” The way that he had said his name, with caution, as if it was dangerous. It reminded the demon about everything.

“Sorry I sorta spaced out, I’ll try to warn you the next time I do something like that.” Aziraphale nodded his response and Crowley continued knowing that the only response he was going to get would be a nod.

He finished with his left wing and began on his right wing. The silence had settled in every corner and crease and Crowley was starting to feel uncomfortable, there was an elephant in the room and it needed to be addressed sooner rather than later. Crowley weighed his options and then the questions before deciding to just speak and hope it went okay.

“So… how did your wings end up like this?” It seemed like a safe question, it didn’t have to do fully with what had happened and yet directed the nonexistent conversation in that direction. There was silence for a few moments and Crowley began to regret asking but then Aziraphale began to speak, his voice quick and soft as if not to scare himself.

“I took them out from the unearthly plain to stretch them, I didn’t go out of the shop with the obviously, just did some cleaning around the shop and…” Crowley had been quiet but he couldn’t stand Aziraphale trying to cover up what happened.

“Angel, please don’t lie about it. Tell me what happened, why are you like this?” His voice was harsh but it needed to be. He needed Aziraphale to wake up and admit what happened because Crowley was going to go mad if he didn’t find out what he had made the angel do to himself.

Answering the demon’s question Aziraphale turned around, his face red from anger already. “You want to know what happened to be Crowley?? You, that is what happened. We go through the literal end of the world, TOGETHER and then we save EACH OTHER. I thought that something was happening, something was changing but I didn’t know but it didn’t feel like something bad. We didn’t EVERYTHING together, you let me sleep at your house and then you go and you tell me that YOU NEVER CARED.” 

Aziraphale’s voice cracked on the last word and he stopped speaking, his chest was heaving and he was looking down at Crowley. He looked gigantic, his wings spanned out blocking the light of the fire but he could see his eyes were blazing. He was silent but there was worry and genuine fear on his face. But he let the angel speak, let him get everything out.

“Do you know what that does to somebody? Do you know what happens when you just have to CUT someone out of your life because they all of a sudden stop caring? I sat in my bookshop for the entire day expecting you to come through those doors saying you didn’t know what you were saying and you were scared from your nightmare.

Two weeks passed and you hadn’t said anything. I never saw you and I didn’t feel you either. I was scared but you had clearly said that you didn’t want me and that you were just using me and so I decided to stay because I AM NOT GOING TO BE USED BY SOME DEMON.” He was silent and when he spoke again Crowley almost didn’t know that he was speaking, Aziraphale’s voice was low and quiet and it wavered as if he was about to cry.

“Then the pain was too much. I stopped sleeping, I stopped eating, I felt empty.  __ I tried to read but nothing interesting anymore. I didn’t want to cook. Then one day I had a thought and it terrified me. I didn’t want to  _ LIVE _ .”

He sounded like a terrified animal and Crowley wanted to hug him and tell him that he was sorry and that he didn’t mean any of it but he didn’t feel like it was right for him to do that, not right now.

“Thats why I cut myself, the pain was to much, nothing else was working and I didn’t even know what to do. I did it to see and it helped for a little while but never enough to last. I had given up, my wings were crushed and ruined, they hung off of my back like weights and I thought that it was what you felt like, always having a weight on your back and that weight was me. When you never showed up or called I thought that you had just moved to leading on more people. I thought that you had left and I could take it.”

Everything felt raw, inside and out. Crowley felt like he just had all the water in his body sucked out, he couldn’t swallow anything and he felt like fire. That he had just been skinned and hung to dry. He looked up from the ground to see Aziraphale on his knees with his head in his hands. His wings were draped over him and his shoulders shook.

Crowley needed to do something, but he didn’t know what. Saying sorry wasn’t going to do anything, he needed to prove that he wasn’t going to leave and that he was wrong but how?

“Angel”

Silence

“Dear”

Silence

“Love”

Silence

“Aziraphale” Crowley reached out to touch his face and he looked up, his eyes bloodshot from crying and his face was red. He got that sudden feeling to reach out and hug him, to kiss him. It scared him and he started pulling back.

“Crowley.” Now he lifted his face to look at the angel, he found words that he needed to speak. Carefully he placed both hands on Aziraphale’s face, cradling it, he wiped a stray tear from his check and Aziraphale closed his eyes, relaxing into his hands before opening his eyes again.

“What I said… it was wrong and I know that. I should have come and found you, made sure that you were okay but I didn’t, I didn’t because I was scared. I was scared when you wouldn’t leave, I didn’t want you to but… I am dangerous. I am your enemy and at any moment I could do something to you, you have to see that.” Crowley sighed and felt someone grab his arm. He looked up to see Aziraphale, his Aziraphale and he realized that he was wrong.

“I would never hurt you Aziraphale.” He took a deep breath and admitted the thing he had never admitted. “My soul is given to the devil, he is always there as Go… your superior is always there with you. My nightmare. I… I....” He couldn’t say it, he didn’t want the pain to come back, the images. 

Aziraphale’s hands reached out and wiped away Crowley’s tears. “Shhhh, you don’t have to say it now, I know it’s tough.” 

Of course Aziraphale would take pity and would be okay if he didn’t know the truth. He didn’t need to know because he could see it in Crowley’s eyes and he knew that but it wasn’t enough. He needed to say it out loud, accept it as reality.

“I killed you.” His voice broke as the tears finally came. They ran down his face and landed on the comforter and his knees, he put his face in his hands and just let it come, he broke down right there in front of Aziraphale for the first time. He could hold nothing back.

“I killed you and I couldn’t stop and I did the one thing I thought would help both of us and it was push you away before anything could happen to you. I hated it, every moment that you were away and I could not see you. I was worried because I never saw you but I didn’t check on you because I just told myself that it was better, it would be better without you. Something has changed since we stopped the end of the world. This feeling, it scares me. I CARE Aziraphale, I care about you and it scares me these feelings because there are more, they feel deeper and I don’t know what to do or how to tell you…” Crowley’s voice left and he gulped down air as he looked down. He didn’t want to look at Aziraphale, at the angel that he has grown to love and care for.

He did feel lighter after saying everything but there was a new weight now, whether or not the angel in front of him felt the same way. He wanted to know but he couldn’t bring himself to look up to potentially be heart broken.

“Crowley look at me, please.” Crowley looked up in time to see Aziraphale move towards him.

He didn’t know what to do or how to act as the angel kissed him softly on the lips. He didn’t know what to do as he pulled away but he liked it and instinctively leaned forward. Aziraphale chuckled lightly before leaning back in and kissing him again. It lit something up inside of him that he hadn’t ever felt and he liked it. He kissed back making sure not to come on to hard. 

The kiss was like bliss, Aziraphale tasted sweet and cool and Crowley was instantly addicted, he smelled of old books and bread, His lips were soft and full against his and he never wanted them to leave. 

When the angel pulled back Crowley couldn’t help the moan that escaped. Aziraphale laughed, it was beautiful and Crowley never wanted to see a frown on the angel’s face ever again.

“How about that? Is that what you want to do?” The smirk remain on Aziraphale’s face and Crowley contained himself from kissing him again.

He simply nodded and moved so that he was leaning against the angel.

“Thank you” his voice was husky and quiet and Aziraphale simply nodded.

“Of course my dear.”

“Not just for the kiss I mean, for understanding, I did the worst thing to you and yet you take me back.”

“I do it dear because I know that you would do the same thing and because… because you do a fantastic job at grooming.”   
Both of the beings laid down next to each other and grasped for each others warmth as the feel asleep on the comforter content with life and ready to explore the next chapter.

  
  
  



	7. Kisses and Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You simply cannot stop two people from being in love can you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said that the fanfic was over after last chapter...  
> I lied :)) Couldn't help writing a cute kissing scene, enjoy my friends!!!

⦽ **Chapter 7** ⦽

Aziraphale looked down at the demon that was laying in his lap. His serpent eyes were closed as the Angel ran a hand through his red locks. They had been silent for a while now but it didn’t scare Aziraphale, after what had just happened they both needed time to think. He himself was thinking about what had happened.

Truth be told he had done it completely on instinct, the kissing at least. Something in him had changed when he saw Crowley kneeling before him with tears coming streaming from his face. He had been so calm leaning in and hadn’t known what he was doing until the had pulled back with shock.

The kiss had felt good, amazing in fact and it had scared him at first when Crowley hadn’t responded but the second time he did but he was restrained. It was weird. Aziraphale could tell the Crowley was holding back in the kiss but he knew why.

So that he didn’t come on to fast and scare him.

It warmed his heart thinking about the kiss but he didn’t want Crowley to hold back, a least in the kissing department. It wasn’t Aziraphale’s first time kissing someone, there had been a few people, men to be exact, in the past but he didn’t feel the way he did about the demon who was now slightly purring.

The sound made Aziraphale laugh which brought a smile to Crowley’s face as he opened his eyes. His eyes had always struck the Angel with awe, the way they blazed with fire and always seemed to be looking for something deeper.

Just looking at Crowley had Aziraphale’s stomach filled with butterflies and his heart racing. He liked it, the fact that only the demon could do that, make him feel this way. He had gotten urges before to kiss or hug him but had held back for fear of what would have happened.

Aziraphale thought back to Nazi Germany during World War ll. That was the first time he had had an urge like that. After not seeing his opposite for nearly a century after he had rejected him saying that he went to fast the demon had shown up and walked into a church. He had walked on sacred ground and had saved Aziraphale from a nasty predicament that he had gotten himself into.

On top of that, after he had bombed the church Crowley had saved his books. Crowley had known, had noticed that he loved his books and had saved him. That was the first time that Azriaphale started to see Crowley different, starting having these urges but he had pushed them down, it wasn’t right. But it was different now, he didn’t want to hold back. But if Crowley was holding back…

“Angel?” Crowley’s voice was lazy and relaxed, breaking through Aziraphale’s thoughts, he looked down.

“Yes dear?”

“You don’t have to hold back anymore, i know you have.” There was a devilish smirk on his lips and Aziraphale couldn’t help himself as he licked his own lips.

A chuckle came from Crowley and Aziraphale blushed. He knew that Crowley wasn’t lying but he was still scared.

Answering his unaired question Crowley moved so that he was now fully facing the Angel. He reached up and he placed a hand on his face and Aziraphale closed his eyes.

“You don’t have to be scared. I promise you that we will do it together. I will go slower for you.” Aziraphale knew at that moment that he meant it. Deep down he always did but in that moment.

Without anymore hesitation Aziraphale leaned in and kissed Crowley. It was slow at first, testing the waters and then Crowley pushed him making the kiss deeper, longer. Aziraphale let Crowley take the lead and he didn’t wait. 

The demon pushed the kiss deeper, wanting to feel him, he was bursting at the seems wanting to touch him, wanting to taste him. Aziraphale felt his tongue glide gently over his bottom lip and he opened his mouth. The forked tongue darted in and took hold of Aziraphale. It was pure bliss and neither of them wanted it to stop.

Since they weren’t full human they had no need to breathe or catch their breath and so the continued. They devoured each other and felt each other. Their arms intertwined as their hands ran up and down each others bodies but never below the waste. Crowley wanted Aziraphale to start that if he wanted it. He wouldn’t push.

Crowley’s kissed was hot and addictive, he tasted of flame and Scotch. Bliss was what it was, he forgot about what was going on around him, whether it was night or day, it didn’t matter. Aziraphale was pushed up with his back hitting the back of the couch, Crowley was leaning towards, his body snaking around so that their faces remained level and facing each other.

Out of nowhere Aziraphale had had enough, he hated that they weren’t fully touching, he wanted more. He lightly pushed Crowley and he edged off breaking the kiss. Aziraphale took it and their mouths crashed together again and it took Crowley partially by surprise. 

Aziraphale placed his hand on Crowley’s chest and pushed him so that his back was now on the back of the couch, sitting like Aziraphale had once been. He tried not to think about it and let his body take control as he straddled Crowley. 

They broke off again and they finally took an unneeded breathe. Crowley looked Aziraphale up and down, he was still shirtless but had returned his wings to the unearthly plane since they had gotten in the way of their cuddling.

Aziraphale felt self conscious by Crowley looking at him, he had lost some weight because he hadn’t eaten but he wasn’t as skinny as Crowley, he began to bring his hands around himself when Crowley grabbed both of his forearms, pulling them apart.

He continued to look and Aziraphale started to feel uncomfortable.

“Crowley.” His voice wasn’t much more than a whisper, a plea to say something, anything.

“Angel, you… you look… absolutely stunning.” Aziraphale knew that Crowley wasn’t lying and tried to calm himself down. He placed a hand on Crowley’s chest and the demon looked up with fire in his eyes.

“I want to kiss you again, I wanted to touch you, it’s not fair I’m the only one shirtless.” He gave the demon a smirk and Crowley returned the smirk. When he looked back down Crowley was also shirtless.

He was stunning, beautiful, there was power in his chest. He followed his gaze down. Crowley had abs, of course he did. Aziraphale rolled his eyes and Crowley chuckled knowing what had caused the eye roll. The Angel couldn’t help it as his eyes drifting farther down before jumping back to the demon’s face. There was concern on his face a question.

Aziraphale shook his head, not now he said with his eyes and Crowley simply nodded and opened his mouth. What Aziraphale had said was true, he wanted his kiss him more and so he ended the conversation before it started and kissed Crowley.

Crowley moaned and growled into Aziraphale’s mouth and he wanted more, being adventurous and curious he quickly nipped Crowley’s bottom lip. In return he moaned and his hips bucked. Aziraphale felt him beneath him and it set him off. He kissed Crowley hard and pressed on his chest, wanting to have his skin touching the other. 

Crowley grabbed Aziraphale’s back pulled him closer. 

The Angel didn’t know what was happening as he was taken into the air and placed with his back now on the couch seat, Crowley hovered above him with a savage look as he took in his prey. It mad Aziraphale quiver as those ravaging eyes took in every part of him. He was Crowley’s, he knew that now, Crowley wanted it to be known.

He leaned forward and whispered words that set Aziraphale on fire.

“You are mine angel, you always have been.” 

“You are mine demon, you always have been.” Aziraphale repeated the words back to him and his eyes became brighter. He smiled before closing the gap and putting their lips back together yet again. 

Every time they kissed it was something new, it felt all so new but also like they had been together for years. Aziraphale yearned for Crowley and they kissed until the sun went down and they kissed until the sun came back up.

“I love you Crowley.” The words echoed in the room and Crowley processed them. Aziraphale waited knowing that it would take a while to understand.

“I love you Aziraphale, always.”

**Author's Note:**

> First ever time posting! Sorry for the typos if there are any and I hope that you enjoy it. I really would appreciate feed back


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